So yeah - on top of the BPD i have Anorexia Nervosa. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a walking stick insect at the mommet but boy do i struggle!! My weight has fluctuated constantly for the past ten years between 5 stone and 14 stone. Here is the evidence....

Above is me when i lived off cereal bars and diet coke with the odd salad thrown in there for dinner. And to the right is a year later when some idiot doctors thought it would be a good idea to , instead of giving me therapy, give me an appetite increasing and metabolism slowing drug. I had to be taken off it as my weight just kept increasing and i ended up obese. Which as you can imagine didn't really help me in anyway whatsoever so that is why i think am still in this place and not recovered from Anorexia

So yes now i am back to living off a minimal amount of food - surrounded by a whole lot of people who don't understand and no idea how to explain it to them. I guess its just an intense fear of being out of control in my life mixed with a fear of gaining weight and becoming overweight.

Over the years i have developed rituals with food - both in eating and preparing. Things such as cutting up food very small, even already bite sized things. Also sterilising utensils cutlery and dishes before they are used so as not to have my food contaminated.

Although with me is isn't all about food. Its also about an obsessive relationship with exercise - mainly walking. i would say on average i can walk about 3 hours a day, pounding at the pavement. These behaviours have ruined my body in many ways and still are because I'm too weak to get rid of them.

Having people constantly telling me I'm not fat - doesn't actually help either. You would think it would, but it doesn't. It makes me think that people think I'm being stupid and irrational i guess. But then again having had BPD to such an extreme for so long has made me realise that i don't always read people right in what they say or their facial expressions - but working on that through DBT. more on that in another post.

Well I'm tired and have finished my "snack" (lol)

So I'm going to leave it there,

Cheerio peeps!