A few of my guilty pleasures lol......

 Mr Hugh Laurie :) DR Greg House

Everything Fairy!!!!!!!!!! I am actually thinking of getting a Tattoo of this Rainbow one. By Jasmine Beckett- Griffiths.

Psychology Humour - always brightens up the course!!

 This is my one and only Tattoo at the moment - and yes Fairy again haha!!!!! its not finished yet but should be hopefully getting it completed on Thursday -YIPPEEEEEE!!

Wicked London!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sooooooo amazing - i want to go again - somebody wanna take me ;)

Dr Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory " Im not insane my mum had me tested!" Haha man after my own heart.

AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Would like to point out that she officially screws everything up and is proving her point that sheis unlovable - the joys of BPD!!

Don't know why i bother anymore as it all just caves in around me and i end up burried under the shit.

Nearly lost my best friend tonight - GO SHELL!!!! see total and utter f***k up these days and seem to be getting worse the older that i get. I dont know why i bother with relationships anymore because with every year it gets harder now.

Going to the doctor tomorrow for an increase in my mood stabilisers again- going to be zombified but dont give a shit anymore would rather just be numb now rather than a rollercosater od uncontrollable emotions all day.

RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! They were right - i am going to hell.

Had enough of this now - 26 yrs of shit and 14 years of Psychiatry which has done fuck all but make me worse and more scared of the world. Feel like giving up in it now to be honest - which is awful for those reading this who are new to this stuff but there is only so much someone can handle before they snap and the cracks are starting to show - literally if you count my osteoporosis :p.

Just dont know why i bother at all anymore as never going to get anywhere, Even drove my Boyfriend away the other week and now a guy who i had started seeing who i quite liked did a runner when he saw my scars - and its not like i can change them in anyway thats what scars are , PERMANENT!!!!!!!!

I realised today that maybe even people with BPD dont understand each other as we are all so different and suffer and react to emotions and situations in completely different ways. So how the hell are people who dont have it going to understand.

Starting to realise why i have driven all the people who i love and care about away to the stage where they are scared of me and think im a PSYCHO probablyt because i am. I should just be locked up again in a ward. At least in there its safe and i cant hurt people. Part of me wants to just get myself put back in one to get out of this mess. Maybe things would be better for everyone if im in a ward and not allowed to socialise with "sane" people.

Meh life eh?? what a shithole

over and out

So yeah - on top of the BPD i have Anorexia Nervosa. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a walking stick insect at the mommet but boy do i struggle!! My weight has fluctuated constantly for the past ten years between 5 stone and 14 stone. Here is the evidence....

Above is me when i lived off cereal bars and diet coke with the odd salad thrown in there for dinner. And to the right is a year later when some idiot doctors thought it would be a good idea to , instead of giving me therapy, give me an appetite increasing and metabolism slowing drug. I had to be taken off it as my weight just kept increasing and i ended up obese. Which as you can imagine didn't really help me in anyway whatsoever so that is why i think am still in this place and not recovered from Anorexia

So yes now i am back to living off a minimal amount of food - surrounded by a whole lot of people who don't understand and no idea how to explain it to them. I guess its just an intense fear of being out of control in my life mixed with a fear of gaining weight and becoming overweight.

Over the years i have developed rituals with food - both in eating and preparing. Things such as cutting up food very small, even already bite sized things. Also sterilising utensils cutlery and dishes before they are used so as not to have my food contaminated.

Although with me is isn't all about food. Its also about an obsessive relationship with exercise - mainly walking. i would say on average i can walk about 3 hours a day, pounding at the pavement. These behaviours have ruined my body in many ways and still are because I'm too weak to get rid of them.

Having people constantly telling me I'm not fat - doesn't actually help either. You would think it would, but it doesn't. It makes me think that people think I'm being stupid and irrational i guess. But then again having had BPD to such an extreme for so long has made me realise that i don't always read people right in what they say or their facial expressions - but working on that through DBT. more on that in another post.

Well I'm tired and have finished my "snack" (lol)

So I'm going to leave it there,

Cheerio peeps!

So today class we will talk about Lying........

So yes Lying, deceit, misleading - bad right. Yes in many cases evil. But what happens when you are so overcome by fear that the voice inside your head takes over. Lets call him Mr Irrational! Mr irrational tells you that if you don't come up with a reason fast then a close friend or acquaintance will leave you because you are a horrible person. Yes this dude is crazy!!! So crazy that he makes me crazy. You see i have Borderline Personality Disorder, Mr irrational came part and parcel with it. I have gone to extremes to avoid abandonment . I have gone so far as to fake injuries and illness and even death. This as you can imagine never ends how i had intended it to. It usually ends in the complete opposite to be honest, but yet i never learn from this and continue to drive people away with it. The only two people who have ever stuck around both have mental health problems themselves and therefore a little more understanding and insight. Ultimately my behaviour is viewed as creepy and scares people away and I'm sick of it. Just remember Lying is bad people - even if not meant maliciously it always bites you in the bum ;) More later......i need to study